TECH
The Intergalactic
Space Chronicle
Are Your Houseplants Talking Back to You?
By Louise Farfell
About 200 years ago scientists and laymen began research as to whether plants could feel, see, and communicate. Some laymen conducted experiments by comparing the two different conversations held with two identical plants. One was praised and one was insulted. After 30 days the praised plant flourished and the insulted plant died. No brainer huh?
Later, it was found when a super amplified microphone (amplified by several times) was placed by two plants adjacent to one another, sounds were detected moving between the two. It was theorized they were conversing with each other.
We've come a long way since with plants that sing, build and grow quickly. One such company, Plants are Your Friends, trained plants to comfort older people who were alone and far away from loved ones. Kits with the super amplified microphone were sent to them and at several times of the day seniors could hear: "I love you" or "You look so Young for 125, not a day over 90". Workers in Nursing homes declared that this improved their patients' outlook on their remaining years five-fold.
Plants are Your Friends became more ambitious and developed plants to put in the rooms of small children. The plants were trained to say, "Don't touch that.", or warn, "Your mother will find out . . .". when children were moving past boundaries set for them. This was not meant to replace the classic baby sitter, but to be used as an extra "eye" while mother was working on the computer, talking to colleagues, or in some rare cases, cooking.
They then further provided plants for middle-aged bachelors or bachelorettes, who at times found themselves to be a little lonely. These plants were integrated with extra intelligence and the ability to interact with humans. In addition to the special microphone, a translation device was added so humans could understand what the plants were saying in their own tongue (so to speak), and so the plants in turn could understand what the humans were saying, adding a degree of sincerity. At first this talkback was very slow, but now it has so improved that some humans are reporting the plants are sassing them.
When questioned about this new phenomenon Plants Are Your Friends rep, Arthur Godfrey, replied: "Well, we need to determine how humans are talking to their plants. Are they pushing them too hard to grow? Are they insulting them? Are they talking dirty to them? If none of this abusive behavior is being conducted, then consumers should by all means please send them back to our laboratories so we can look into this."
So if any of you recognize this problem as your own, please do as he says. However, our top staff advisor, Penny Light, said she enjoys her plant. They don't talk about Nietzsche but stick to uncontroversial subjects like the weather or math problems. So, we at the paper suspect, plants still have a long way to go in the communication department. Just remember: we humans, after millions of years, are still working on our own communication skills!